Mary Mackenzie
Have you ever been sitting home reading or watching TV, enjoying your space and peacefulness, when your partner comes home and says something like, “Aren’t the dishes done yet? I am so sick of coming home to a messy house!”, then walks out of the room to take a shower?
It’s easy to feel shock and hurt in such situations, and then feel confused about how to handle it. I suggest that you try empathizing with him by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re really annoyed that the dishes weren’t done by the time you got home because you were hoping the house would be neat?” “Yes! I’m tired and frustrated, and after a hard day at work, I’d really like to come home to a clean house.” “And, on top of the dishes not being done, you’ve really had a rough day?” “Yeah, today was truly awful.” “I get how frustrating it can be at work. How about if I do the dishes while you take a shower, and then can we talk about the dishes? I’m noticing that I simply hate doing dishes and that’s why they aren’t done as often as you’d like. I really want to help you meet your need for orderliness, and I’d also like to meet my needs for ease and fun. Would you be willing to have this conversation after your shower?” “Sure.”
Notice that the first thing she did was empathize, listening to his feelings and needs. Then, when she thought she had heard him, she asked for what she wanted, which was a conversation to discuss both their needs. He was much more willing to have this conversation once his needs were heard, and when he had more confidence that she valued both their needs.
Tempting as it is sometimes to argue with someone who expresses themselves in ways that stimulate pain in us, try to refrain. Arguing is likely to result in both of you feeling hurt and frustrated. By empathizing instead, you both stand a better chance of feeling relief and reaching a peaceful resolution.
—Mary Mackenzie, Co-founder NVC Academy
From Miki Kashtan’s Blog, The Fearless Heart:
