Professor Simon Baron Cohen presents a new way of understanding what it is that leads individuals down negative paths, and challenges all of us to consider replacing the idea of evil with the idea of empathy-erosion.
Posts Tagged ‘empathy’
Hearing the Yes behind the No
March 11th, 2012
Mary Mackenzie
It is often easy for us to hear rejection when someone says “no” to us. If we focus on the rejection, we may feel hurt and fail to take the time to understand what is going on with them. However, if we focus on their feelings and needs, we are more likely to uncover what they want and what prevents them from complying with our request.
Say you asked your partner to clean out the truck to prepare for your weekend trip. He says, “No, the game is about to start and I want to watch it.” You could hear this as a rejection or you could hear the “yes” behind his “no” and say, “You’ve been looking forward to watching this game all week, haven’t you?” He may say, “Yeah, I have. And I’d like to watch the game without having other responsibilities. I really want this time to myself.” You could say, “I can really understand the need to relax. I’d like you to have this time to yourself and I’m also worried about getting everything done before our trip. After the game, would you be willing to brainstorm with me how we might get the truck cleaned?”
If we hear what the other person is saying “yes” to (in this case, a relaxing afternoon watching the game), rather than what he is saying “no” to (cleaning the truck instead of watching the game), we are more likely to succeed in getting our needs met and helping the people we love get theirs met too. This is a way of valuing the other’s needs as much as our own and can be a powerful conflict resolution tool.
—Mary Mackenzie, Co-founder NVC Academy
How to Hear Difficult Messages
February 5th, 2012
Mary Mackenzie
Have you ever been sitting home reading or watching TV, enjoying your space and peacefulness, when your partner comes home and says something like, “Aren’t the dishes done yet? I am so sick of coming home to a messy house!”, then walks out of the room to take a shower?
It’s easy to feel shock and hurt in such situations, and then feel confused about how to handle it. I suggest that you try empathizing with him by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re really annoyed that the dishes weren’t done by the time you got home because you were hoping the house would be neat?” “Yes! I’m tired and frustrated, and after a hard day at work, I’d really like to come home to a clean house.” “And, on top of the dishes not being done, you’ve really had a rough day?” “Yeah, today was truly awful.” “I get how frustrating it can be at work. How about if I do the dishes while you take a shower, and then can we talk about the dishes? I’m noticing that I simply hate doing dishes and that’s why they aren’t done as often as you’d like. I really want to help you meet your need for orderliness, and I’d also like to meet my needs for ease and fun. Would you be willing to have this conversation after your shower?” “Sure.”
Notice that the first thing she did was empathize, listening to his feelings and needs. Then, when she thought she had heard him, she asked for what she wanted, which was a conversation to discuss both their needs. He was much more willing to have this conversation once his needs were heard, and when he had more confidence that she valued both their needs.
Tempting as it is sometimes to argue with someone who expresses themselves in ways that stimulate pain in us, try to refrain. Arguing is likely to result in both of you feeling hurt and frustrated. By empathizing instead, you both stand a better chance of feeling relief and reaching a peaceful resolution.
—Mary Mackenzie, Co-founder NVC Academy
Empathy, a Potent Healer
January 8th, 2012Mary Mackenzie
I cannot say it enough. Most of us rarely feel truly heard and understood. Empathy, the simple act of hearing someone and focusing your attention on them, can be incredibly healing.
Try to listen for the feelings and needs behind someone’s words. This isn’t always easy, but the results are remarkable. Here’s an example. One of your kids says, “We never do what I want.” That might be hard to hear if you focus on the words he uses and if you think 90 percent of your life is focused on meeting his needs. Take a deep breath and listen for what they are; I’m guessing respect, and a say in decision making. You don’t have to agree with him, by the way. All you’re doing is trying to understand his view of things. You could respond with, “Are you frustrated and want more say in the family’s decision-making process?”
That’s it! Now, carry the conversation through by listening for his feelings and needs and expressing your own. The whole conversation might sound like this, “Yeah, you and Dad always get your own way.” “So, you think we’re only doing what we want without considering what you want?” “Yeah.” “I feel sad about this because I know I spend a lot of time considering your needs, and then often neglecting my own. I guess we both want the same thing, balance and respect. You and I would both like to know that the other one values our needs too. Do you agree with that?” “Yeah, I guess.” “Would you be willing to talk about what we are both hoping for tonight, and maybe brainstorm ways we can both get what we want?” “Okay.”
If we focus on the words, we often miss the point. Listen deeply to the needs the other person is trying convey. Once you understand each other, you will be ready to resolve the situation.
—Mary Mackenzie, Co-founder NVC Academy
The Limits of David Brooks’ “Limits of Empathy”
November 13th, 2011Here’s another critique of David Brooks recent NYT column on the limits of empathy, this one from Jason Marsh. I enjoyed his conclusion especially, worth a read…
Does empathy lead to altruism? The New York Times columnist gets it wrong.
Over the last few days, a lot of people have asked me about David Brooks’ Friday op-ed column in The New York Times on the “limits of empathy.” In it, Brooks argues that empathy is a “sideshow” to moral action. Considering the glut of recent books on empathy—such as Frans de Waal’s The Age of Empathy and Jeremy Rifkin’s The Empathic Civilization—Brooks writes that empathy “has become a way to experience delicious moral emotions without confronting the weaknesses in our nature that prevent us from actually acting upon them.”
Empathy, in other words, is little more than a fad.
Effective Communication Skills – Empathy Video
October 6th, 2011Effective communication skills modeled by Rick Goodfriend presenting in this empathy workshop clip in Ojai California
Empathy is the October Theme at the NVC Academy
October 5th, 2011The NVC Academy, the world’s first online school for Nonviolent Communication, is offering empathy related courses and resources in its NVC Multimedia library during the month of October.
Tomorrow, join relationship expert Kelly Bryson for a FREE teleourse entitled The Future of Love. Reimagine your perception of love so you can feel love more deeply, let love in and actually be love. Take this introductory session to determine if the full 6-week course is a good fit for you.
