Here’s an exercise in applying empathy while weighing my needs with the needs of my “significant other.”
Posts Tagged ‘honesty’
Empathy Exercises #2
October 3rd, 2011David Brooks op-ed “The Limits of Empathy”
October 1st, 2011New York Times columnist David Brooks wrote and op-ed yesterday entitled ”The Limits of Empathy.”
In his article, Mr. Brooks points out that empathy alone is not enough to move people to moral action, epecially if there’s a personal cost involved. He goes on to write:
Nobody is against empathy. Nonetheless, it’s insufficient. These days empathy has become a shortcut. It has become a way to experience delicious moral emotions without confronting the weaknesses in our nature that prevent us from actually acting upon them. It has become a way to experience the illusion of moral progress without having to do the nasty work of making moral judgments. In a culture that is inarticulate about moral categories and touchy about giving offense, teaching empathy is a safe way for schools and other institutions to seem virtuous without risking controversy or hurting anybody’s feelings.
Empathy is a process of opening oneself to deeply hear another person from their perspective. Empathy by itself does not contain an entire moral system upon which to operate one’s life. And very importantly, empathizing with others does not mean I agree with or condone their actions. If people are using empathy to avoid confronting moral weakness, I would suggest they are misapplying empathy or even practicing something else. My experience is that empathy takes us to the heart of our deepest vulnerabilities, empathy does not avoid anything true.
Nonetheless, by itself empathy does not necessarily compel us to moral action. There exists however, a system of communication that integrates empathy with clear concrete observation, honest expression and taking action on our deepest values. It’s called Nonviolent Communication or NVC.
I recommend this book: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Also, you can get introductions to NVC from the NVC Academy:
Practical Skills for Successful Communication
Introduction to Nonviolent Communication
The Basics of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Incidentally, I would argue with Mr. Brooks’ contention that nobody is against empathy. Perhaps he missed viewing the confirmation hearings for Justice Sotomayor.
Not being heard? Ask for empathy. (Audio)
January 14th, 2010If you’re not being heard, you have a choice, you can ask for what you’d like!
Play Audio:
Asking for Empathy
This is an audio excerpt from a recent telecourse series, “What is Empathy?”, sponsored by the NVC Academy and the International Day of Empathic Action.
Expressing Ourselves: Want to Be Heard?
October 18th, 2009The 
other side of empathy or deep listening is to find ways of expressing ourselves that make us more easily heard. Certified Nonviolent Communication Trainer, Author and Mediator Mary Mackenzie offers this perspective:
When you express your feelings, try to use words that convey emotions rather than thoughts. Emotion words include sadness, happy, excitement, joy, fear, and hurt. Thought words express a judgment about someone else, such as feeling manipulated, abandoned, rejected, or abused. Each of these words expresses your opinion of the other person’s actions: that she is manipulative or abusive, or that she has abandoned or rejected you. When we focus on how we actually feel about something, rather than judge the other person, we are more likely to be heard. If your wife made plans to go away for the weekend without discussing it with you first, you might feel annoyed, hurt, angry, or confused. If you tell her that you feel abandoned or rejected, she is likely to respond defensively. Express your feelings in a way that connects to others and yourself rather than mixing in your opinions and judgments, which can lead you to disconnect. Disconnecting promotes argument. Connecting promotes resolution.
—Mary Mackenzie
This reflection is an excerpt from Peaceful Living: Daily Meditations for Living with Love, Healing, and Compassion by Mary Mackenzie, published by PuddleDancer Press, and is offered courtesy of NVC Academy and Mary Mackenzie.
We invite you to share this reflection with your friends and family if you imagine they might enjoy it. They may also receive their own weekly reflection by email by signing up at the following Stay In Touch page.
Making Relationships Work Through Positive Communication
September 25th, 2009Dr David Burns is a cognitive therapist specialising in relationship management. In his fourth column, he offers advice on how to make troubled relationships work.
Editor’s Note: What Dr. Burns writes about the pitfalls and strategies of communicating with loved ones are remarkably similar to those described by a communication process called Nonviolent Communication. Judging, blaming and labeling are strategies that intensify misunderstanding, while empathic listening and honest expression lead to deeper connections. You can take advantage of an opportunity to learn the basics of Nonviolent Communication on an ongoing basis with a new low cost subscription program. Read more…
